MAMA-SPOILED BLACK MAN

“Mama-spoiled black man, will you mature with me?” – Toni Morrison

I am what most people would consider a “mama’s boy”. I am not at all afraid to admit that I am a man who is extremely close with his mother. I’m also close with my father, and he spoils me, too, but I am really close with my mother. Me and my mother have always shared a very strong bond. I have always had a respect and reverence for the women in my family. I suppose, this is one of the reasons why I am a feminist, and why I fight so passionately for the rights of women and girls.

My mother visited me yesterday, and during our time together I began to think about a line from Toni Morrison’s novel Tar Baby. In the novel she calls for the “mama-spoiled Black men” of the world to mature. I really began to think about her call, and my own relation to my Black mother and Black women. I began to think about the way sexism thwarts Black men’s ability to mature, and often makes them take for granted the “spoiling” given to them by their Black mothers and Black women.

Mama spoiled Black men, and our conceptions of our own mothers and Black women have been on my mind a lot. I am very aware of the ways that Black men perceive themselves and their mothers. One of the things that I have noticed as of late, particularly on social media, is the tendency for sexist Black men to demonize their mothers (by way of attacking Black women). There seems to be any number of images circulating on the web that depicts Black women as “difficult” and traitorous. These pictures posit that Black women are the enemies of their men, and usually use as their evidence that Black women have begun to take their own wants and needs into consideration. How is it that these mama-spoiled Black men grow up to resent their mothers? How is it that these mama-spoiled Black men so readily participate in the marginalization of their Black sisters? These are two of the questions that have been on my mind.

Sexist notions concerning the raising of children often means that Black women raise their children on their own. Fathers may be absent by choice, or force (the prison system holding many of our Black men), so the majority of the work of raising children is done by Black women. These Black women often spoil their Black boys. My own mother spoiled me even though my father was in the home, and I can think of many Black women who have spoiled their sons. When I walk around the shopping mall I see Black women hand-in-hand with their sons, and there is a affection and care there that is truly touching. Most Black boys have a positive conception of male/female relationships and mother/son relationships until these sexism is deposited in their minds. They are taught to devalue the bonds that they have with their mothers. I can remember being teased as a teenager because I preferred to hang around my mother. I can remember attending the fair and a group of boys calling me a “mama’s boy” as an insult because instead of walking around the fair alone I was with my mother.

What becomes of a mama-spoiled Black man in a sexist world that teaches him to devalue the feminine? Most often he grows into the kind of man that takes women for granted. These are the Black men who forget the many sacrifices that Black women have made on behalf of Black men throughout American history. These are the Black men who forget that their mothers and sisters were right beside them in the field, and still came home to cook for, nurse, and nurture their Black sons, brothers, and husbands. Too many Black men have bought into sexist notions of male/female relations and misguidedly see the Black woman’s rightful fight for gender equality as an attack on their manhood. These sexist Black men are the sons of the Moynihan Report–they take for granted their mamas many sacrifices in a racist and sexist society.

I pride myself on being a mama-spoiled Black man who does not take Black women and girls for granted. I am deeply thankful for the sacrifices that Black women have made for their communities. I have a responsibility to challenge sexist and racist notions about the Black woman. I refuse to see the Black woman as my enemy no matter how much racist and sexist propaganda is shown to me. Yes, I am a mama-spoiled Black man, but I am also a mature man. I call for all my Black brothers to mature with me by committing to end sexism. When we blame Black women for our failure to be seen as “real men” in a White racist society we only show ourselves to be immature. Our mothers, our sisters, our aunts, our girlfriends, our wives, and nieces are not our enemy.

ROLAND MARTIN AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF HOMOPHOBIA

Homophobia ALWAYS has consequences. The only thing different about Roland Martin is that the perpetrator also has to feel it. Gay people know that homophobia has consequences. It’s homophobic straight people who are waking up to this reality. When I think of the many gay people who have lost family, jobs, their lives to homophobia, Roland losing his speaking gig does not equate.

THE HIERARCHY OF BLACK PATRIARCHY

It could be assumed that all maleness fares the same under Black Patriarchy, but, in my experience there is a pyramid of maleness as it pertains to Black Patriarchy. This graphic is not intended to be authoritative, but rather the way I experienced life as a Black male living under Black Patriarchy.

Based on anecdotal evidence, I would suggest that heterosexual Black men are at the top of the Black patriarchal order, followed by heterosexual non-Black men. I have witnessed many occasions where a non-Black man is afforded inclusion before a Black man, if that non-Black man is also heterosexual. Under the heterosexual non-Black man would be the “masculine” Black non-Heterosexual male. The fact that his masculinity reflects or gestures towards heterosexuality grants him favor within the heterosexual Black males. At the very bottom would be the “feminine” Black non-heterosexual male.; these are the Black men who are positioned at the bottom of the Black Patriarchy ladder. Again, this is all based on anecdotal evidence, but in my life experiences I have witnessed Black manhood play out that way under Black Patriarchy.

THE PRISON OF BLACK PATRIARCHAL MASCULINITY

As a black man living in the United States, I know all too well the prison that Black Patriarchal Masculinity can be. Growing up the cell that I was placed in was small and rigid, a place for conformity rather than creativity. My masculinity was policed at almost every turn. My wrists were too limp I was told, my walk not boyish enough I was told, and my interesting in all the wrong places: dolls and balls as opposed to just dolls.

What brings me to the topic of black patriarchal masculinity is a chance encounter I had the opportunity to witness. A black male was walking by and I overheard a young Hispanic girl, no more than 12 years old, remark that he “walked like a girl.” As I heard the young girl utter that the black man “walked like a girl,” something in my mind went off. I began to think about what black masculinity was in the society I live in. What about the black man walking by made the young girl feel he was crossing some threshold of masculine acceptability. What had made a young girl, a Hispanic one at that, recognize something in that black man that went against whatever she had been taught in her own community and society.

The prevailing narrative of black masculinity in this society seems to be predicated on a few things. Black men are to be full of rage and always apt to commit violent crimes, we’re supposed to be hyper masculine and hyper sexual willing to fuck anything and be the carrier of superhuman sexual abilities. Also, due to our race it seems, we are supposed to embody an idealized version of masculinity. Both the dominant culture, and many blacks themselves have internalized this false notion of black men embodying a “true” definition of masculinity.

There seems to be an endless barrage of black men depicted in the media to fit into the narrow narratives constructed around black masculinity. Incidents of crime are reported on frequently, remarking on the latest black man to kill, maim, or rape someone. Sports and music provide the perfect backdrop for introducing the narrative that black males are hyper masculine and hyper sexual. Videos by popular artist populate mass media where in black men brag about their sexual prowess and their heightened masculinity. The black man is thought to, and conditioned to believed that he embodies the very best of patriarchal masculinity, and that this is a virtue.

That an eleven year old girl could recognize in a random black man that he embodied something that she had been taught to pinpoint, to see as anomaly was striking to me. It is a testament to the fact that our children are being conditioned from a very early age to police the gender of themselves and others. What business does an eleven year old need with policing gender? Adolescence is, and should be, a time of much experimentation and exploration, not the sight of rigidity and policing. And that this young girl was a member of a different racial group, indicates that patriarchal black masculinity is being communicated to other communities. It’s not unusual to meet someone of another group who is surprised or disappointed that a particular black man does not embody a particular masculine ideal. When I tell people that I don’t play football or basketball, and that I don’t have a bad chick by my side they seem let down. I’ve destroyed some illusion of black masculinity and manhood that they had harbored.

Masculinity, in my opinion, should be a site for creativity and diversity. No black man should be forced into a prison of rigidity by a society expecting his masculinity to be one dimensional and one note. As a black man who is an advocate of feminism, I know that I have a responsibility to make my masculinity a site of resistance. I make sure that my thoughts and actions promote a view of black masculinity that is rooted in a respect for femininity, and anchored in a multifaceted harbor.

It is imperative for black men to fight for our right to be free of the prison of black patriarchal masculinity. We are more than rage, anger, violence, and sexual conquest. Our masculinity, much like we are, is and has always been diverse. We must make room for in our cell for a diverse black masculinity.

The future of black masculinity lies in its ability to break free of the prison cell it has been forced to reside in. Black masculinity must seek out a wide open field where diversity and creativity is celebrated and fostered. We must resist those who insist on our singularity as black men. The prison cell that is patriarchal masculinity must no longer be the site where black masculinity resides.